When I think about the foundation of a person, I think about the inner child. I remember when my old therapist first brought up my inner child and was curious about my connection to her. I felt very far from her... like she was a version of me that no longer existed. It took me a good 3 months to be open to doing work in order to connect to her. And then when I did, so much came up.
So many tears…
Sadness for her mistreatment
Anger at myself at how long it took me to understand her and be open to her.
Because so much came up, I needed to take breaks for the emotional work to sink in... for me to process through what I was uncovering and understanding.
This was a totally new way of being with myself that I had never even thought about. I was starting to have compassion for my humanity and that was never the case before.
I was directed to an inner child meditation which to this day, I think I’ve done 2 or 3 of maybe 10 sessions. I was annoyed at all the needs my inner child had and I really didn’t want to meet them. I wanted her to stop bothering me, but she wouldn’t because I needed to soften towards her. I needed to love her and respect her; have space for her to share with me what she’s feeling. It’s interesting to me that our inner child gives us so much grace to go through our process. Then when we’re ready, they’re so open to us without judgment or anger for the neglect. It’s like this higher self that lacks ego and is in tune with all the feels.
The realization that for so long I didn’t love her was a lot to take in. I see now that it led to me:
Mistreating myself
Being hard on myself
Not liking myself
Having unrealistic expectations
Making choices that hurt me
So being with little Juliet helped me ease up on the hardness I directed towards my very soft and tender parts. I started to develop confidence because I wasn’t telling myself how unworthy and not good enough I was in my head all the time.
When I’m reactive, I’m not my current adult self. I’m coming from her… this sweet, innocent little person that's scared and trying to get her needs met and feel safe.
I have these two plants that used to be in the same pot on the top of my bookshelf. At some point last year, I looked up there and saw them leaning, which they had been doing for years to be honest. I stood on top of my radiator to reach them and get them upright. When I did that, the ceiling was in the way of their leaves taking up the space they needed.
I felt like a bad plant mom that I didn’t do something sooner. They didn’t have the support they needed to stand up tall and they each needed their own space for their to breathe. Once I had that thought, I knew that this related to my inner child, my foundation. The process of me taking better care of my plants would also help me take better care of myself.
A couple of weeks passed before I went to the plant store in my neighborhood and another couple of weeks until I got out my soil and my hands dirty. Once I replanted them, I saw that in addition to needing their own space, they also needed something to keep them upright after leaning for so long. They needed to be reminded of how their structure likes to operate best. I got some bamboo from the floral district and some cooking twine from my drawer to give my plant babies what they needed. I thought they liked to be close to the window, but some of their leaves turned brown. So I moved them to different spots in my apartment and I finally feel like we’ve found their happy place. Their needs are met and I’m grateful they helped me understand how to take care of them.
There’s a practice where you take out a picture of your younger self and put it in a place where you see it often. You feel and see that version of you and you allow them to take up space. My photo is on my altar and I smile at little Juliet every time I see her. She’s playful and quirky. She’s creative and appreciates the simple things in life. I’ve grown to feel so tender towards my inner child, like she’s a reminder of the me I want to show to the world.
Reconnecting to this version of me reminds me of the place I come from; where my heart is. I like to think that we all come from a good place. When we’re unkind, we’re going through something that gets in the way of us leading with our heart because it hurts or doesn’t feel safe.
When our inner child is honored and our needs are met, we’re so much more grounded. That reactive part of us doesn’t need to react so intensely because they're being seen and heard; they don’t need to shout. Bringing it back to my plant babies, their leaves stay green and their structure is intact. You see their vitality and the joy inside.
I did a visualization with a client a little bit ago to get some insight from their inner child and it was incredibly transformative so I’m sharing it in this month’s meditation. It may take you some time to be open to this part of you or even that they need to be seen and heard by you. When you’re ready, it’s here.